She’s a hard road, son, finding the perfect camera
December 9th, 2009. Filed under: Gear.
Thriller, Colombo Street
Kia ora tatou:
Enough of the serious posts…for the moment…
I’ve noticed I am prone to a disease specific to photographers, which rears its head about this time of the year. It’s probably happened every year for the last 25 or so, so when the symptoms present, I’m fully aware of what’s going on. The symptoms go something like this:
For no particular reason I find myself parking up and wandering into my favourite local photographic retailer (you know who you are!). I really don’t have a reason to be there, but somehow it just happens. When they come up and asked me what they can do to help, I shuffle and mumble, and try to think of something meaningful to say. What I really should do is be honest and say: it’s that time of year again, and I need to kick some tyres. I suspect I haven’t got this problem on my own.
I will suddenly find myself looking at Dpreview and Imaging Resource , making my way through the gear reviews. This is a certain sign of what is going on. I’ll be over at the Online Photographer, browsing through anything to do with cameras and lenses, and the perfect camera.
Suddenly my intellectual superiority around talking of cameras evaporates. Suddenly I’m very happy to talk about gear, and depending on the severity of the affliction, for hours or days on end. When I notice myself ringing up my friends whom I normally classify as gear freaks (notice that I do not include myself in that category), I know that I have a raging infection.
Fortunately, there is a simple and easy cure.
Buy a new camera.
Now I know that I’m in a particularly unique position. I’ve been told so by my friends( both of you). I am not answerable, they declare enviously, to a wife/spouse/partner/toyboy/toy girl /lover. If I buy a new camera, I’m not obliged, as of right, to fork out for another horse. I do not have to promise to take my dearly beloved on an ocean cruise to the Antarctic.
But that doesn’t make things any better.
So this year, in an attempt to avoid buying myself a Christmas present that has anything to do with photo and video, I thought I might talk about the ideal camera. You’re welcome to chip in (and I hope you will) and offer your own thoughts and helpful advice. I might add that, years ago, my favourite photographic retailer told me that they hadn’t yet created the perfect camera for me-then convinced me my life was going to go no further unless I bought a Nikon F5. I’m not sure that it did.
So, with a raging case of camera infection, I have decided to make a wish list of what that perfect camera will have. Then I’m going to go and look for it on the shelves at the aforementioned retailer. I’m fairly certain that, after making this list, I will come up with a camera which nobody has yet made. In realising this, the bitter disappointment that my future as a photographic artist is, to put it bluntly, screwed, as a result of an utter lack of imagination on the part of the design teams at all the camera manufacturers, will help to reduce this infection for another 12 months or so.
Yes dear reader (I always wanted to include a subtle reference to Charles Dickens ), here is my wish list for the perfect camera. It is born of years of trial and tribulation, of experimentation, and going broke looking for the perfect camera.
The perfect camera will have (drum roll):
- An interchangeable viewfinder. I put the viewfinder at # one, because this is, to my mind, the single most influential and important part of the camera. What you see is hopefully what you will get. Seeing is everything. The PC (Perfect Camera) will have the ability to use a waist level groundglass, of a size suitable for holding at waist level. When I want an eye-level viewfinder, I will simply be able to clip one on. When I am in street photographer mode, I will be able to switch it to a bright line viewfinder which enables me to see beyond the frame edges. All of these viewfinders will, of course, have live histograms.
- It will have a sensor of around 35 megapixels. The dynamic range will be at least 10 stops. This means I will not have to muck around with HDR. It also means I will be able to A1 prints with razor sharp blades of grass in the foreground.
- When the mood takes me, it will have the ability to shoot 120 film. This way I can turn up at Gallery 464 and not be thrown out the front door because I am a digital dude. This means I can hold my head up and discuss the merits of Rodinal and Brovira, and using single malt toners without feeling like a traitor to a cause long buried and forgotten. I can be a rebel with a cause.
- The glass will be exemplary. It will, of course, be German. Zeiss or Leica. I don’t mind. Both are acceptable. The lenses will all be fast primes. At least one of them will be a 35mm/1.4 equivalent. None of them will have a front element larger than 72 mm. I can dream, right? The glass will be hardened and toughened, meaning I no longer have to spend unnecessary amounts of money on Heliopan filters.
- It will be light and portable. It will tuck nicely into my backpack, behind my laptop, and mean that I do not have to check it and leave it to the tender mercies of the baggage handlers at Johannesburg airport. Carbon fibre would be fine; something using advanced alloys and composite materials would be more than acceptable.
- The sensor will of course be self-cleaning. I mean really self-cleaning. So far, every camera I have owned which has promised me self-cleaning, has really meant: I will clean myself up for a while, but if you think I’m going to clean up after you when you keep changing lenses and letting all that horrible Namibian dust in, then have another think! I am not your paid slave (stomps off in high dudgeon, to other parts of house, slamming door)!
- It will have mirror lockup as a simple button on the camera. The switch will have the ability to do this in concert with self timer. Curiously, a throwback to the past, the shutter button will have a threaded socket for one of those old-fashioned screw-in cable releases. Remember them? No more need to spend $200 on a piece of wire with a switch at one end and a connector at the other.
- It will have in-body stabilisation. The mid-range zoom will have a three position ring on the lens barrel, offering the equivalent of 28 mm, 35 mm and 50 mm. Yes, just like the Tri-Elmar lens. Being Libran, I like to keep choice to a minimum. Dammit, don’t confuse me.
- It will be beautiful to look at. It will produce instant camera envy in anybody who looks upon it. With its exquisite combination of faux-rosewood and lizard skin handgrips, not to mention the discreetly obvious limited edition numbering and owner’s name engraved on the upper front of the camera, where anybody being photographed cannot help but see it, it will attract instant attention at all camera club field trips in the civilised world.
- To hell with face detection and smile detection. This camera will have Honours Detection. Not only that, it will have a voice module, similar to those ones you get in a GPS unit. You will be able to choose the gender and nationality of your voice. Being male, naturally I want a voice that sounds just like Grace Jones. As I point the camera, Grace will tell me whether I am a slave to the rhythm, or whether the shot I am contemplating will get me into B grade, or even be good enough for me to get a fellowship. It will instantly detect the centre of interest and move the camera so that it falls on a third. Grace will smokily suggest that placing the horizon in the middle of the picture is not a good idea and gently rearrange the sensor to ensure that has not happened. She will of course be able to instantly detect an award-winning combination of a long and winding road and particularly attractive backlit sheep. Should I miss such an iconic photograph, she will shoot it for me. She will, of course , be sensitively silent as I go up to collect the silverware at the club end-of-year…
Looking back at such an obviously simple list, I am stunned that so far nobody has brought all these absolutely essential features together in a single camera. With all the engineers out there, you would think that at least one team could have brought it all together. Hard to believe really.
Now, with that off my mind, I’m off to do my Christmas shopping for something in the photo and video line. Or, at least, to dent some Dunlops.
December 9th, 2009 at 07:35
Ah but you see if they create the perfect camera once you have that you’ll never need another and you’ll never have a reason to spend anymore money with the company that creates it. It isn’t in their interest to make it
December 9th, 2009 at 07:45
I have done such a bad job as a father. How could you turn out to be so…sensible?
December 9th, 2009 at 08:46
You have forgotten the self deleting function that deletes and poor out of focus or otherwise worthless images, the 42in plasma screen that is also able to receive Sky Sport in the field and the tripod that folds up into the base of the unit.
What about the long awaited 10-1200 f1.2 IS lens that comes with it in the kit at no extra charge?
Will this camera come with operational software i.e. Lightroom, Photoshop etc for adjstments on the fly as well ?
Where do I order one I have heard the will be priced just under the $200 mark, well done Greg!!!!
December 9th, 2009 at 09:14
Ferg:
silly me. How could I have overlooked such essential items? I am sure Grace would be very cross….
and there of course is the variable judge module, which notes which judge will be looking at the image and adjusts framing, cropping, COMPOSITION and the like to suit…
December 9th, 2009 at 13:01
I’m against the self deleting function!
That would make me very unhappy.
December 9th, 2009 at 13:06
but not for long….
December 9th, 2009 at 15:55
I think for ever
My ability to master focus =0
December 9th, 2009 at 18:36
The perfect camera is the one that can take photos of your sons car at 200kph
December 9th, 2009 at 19:53
Ah Tony, an interesting selection of features. Certainly ticks most of my boxes. If I may be so bold can I suggest that it includes the following:-
#5, to save all that weight it will be made of at least 90% Unobtanium
#6, the manufacturer license the sensor self-cleaning to Olympus, then they would find it really does work….
And as a further thought,
#10, would the special limited “Collector’s” Edition also include an autographed copy of the cover photo from Grace’s “Island Life” LP. (mind you, I am not sure how many of your readers apart from you & me would know what we are talking about here…… )
Finally, when you find this camera, & I think I could stretch to $1k for this one, please let me know so I can go and donate Greg some more money.
December 9th, 2009 at 20:50
I love the faux-rosewood and lizard skin handgrips idea. Damit if I can have only one (realistic for the time being) thing on this list that would be it.
Cheers, I’m off to go skin me a lizard.
December 9th, 2009 at 21:21
Thanks, Alan. I think Grace might pull up to the bumper and help out. She is always up for a 7 day weekend….
December 9th, 2009 at 21:22
Eva: Nonsense. Your point of focus is so selective , most of us cannot detect it… More fool us…
December 9th, 2009 at 21:23
LX: Gives me plenty of time to find it before said car ( oops, kitset) makes it back on the road…
December 9th, 2009 at 21:24
PvdW: Plenty of them round Belleville.. or are those boomslang?
December 9th, 2009 at 21:37
The perfect camera is the one sitting up on your shelf collecting dust, remember when you researched it, saved up for it and bought it. It was just the perfect thing, much better to use than the old one, much better images came out of it, with the much sharper lenses that you bought with it, you just wanted to go out and use it all the time, talk about it to everyone, it was perfect….. Then the new bad boy came along and it was discarded, forgotten and left in the dark…..
(I’m crying now and off to hug my old F4 – a perfect hunk of metal)
December 9th, 2009 at 21:45
Lovely sensible stuff, Graham. But may I rewrite a section….my old F4. a perfect hunk of j@#k…
Ps.. I still miss my Minolta SRT 101..
December 10th, 2009 at 05:43
Tony, you should patent your ideas before someone else will.
Sooner or later they will be as compulsory features in all cameras.
I don’t know how we manage to be without them….
December 10th, 2009 at 09:54
It would also come with 10 free updates so any more added functions would not have us rushing back to the shop ever 12 to 18 months.
December 10th, 2009 at 12:50
We already have the perfect camera, comes preinstalled at birth – our eyes and brain. Have spent years trying to figure out where to load the film!
December 10th, 2009 at 13:01
A perfect place to load around 40mm below the nose. It leads to a thoughtful and contemplative approach..
December 10th, 2009 at 14:11
Sounds like a F4 body, with phase 1 back and Sony A900 electronics…. not sure about the lizard skin… to much trouble and too expensive to bone them out!
But yes to all the other features… it will be made by Sony as all the other manufacturers are too slow.
I think I shall order one now as they will be available for the corner dairy in 18months time.
:^)
December 10th, 2009 at 14:23
And unlike another manufacturer’s product, it will have been thoroughly tested and be reliable…
December 10th, 2009 at 15:18
Further thought!
It will be able to take your pre-visualisation and go off to make the photograph, then instantly copyright the result and transmit it to every other camera in the world, locking them so your image is unique…. and you won’t even have to leave your house!
December 10th, 2009 at 15:45
Hey Tony the css is broken on the blog page. I’m seeing yummy black text on a scrumptious off white background, I’m going to quickly re read the posts before you fix it!
December 10th, 2009 at 16:46
off white??? ASP, you need to calibrate that dodgy Mac monitor…
December 11th, 2009 at 08:19
Hmmm, that wasn’t a very clever thing to say was it! I was looking at Brian’s comment box when I made that remark. Guess that’s payback for trying to be clever with Tony Bridge.
Now, back to figuring out why all these prints have a blue cast! – Joking.
December 11th, 2009 at 08:50
Sounds like a Leica S2 to me Tony??
December 11th, 2009 at 13:40
Only a tax lawyer or a barrister could afford one of those…or Mark Hotchin….
December 12th, 2009 at 11:15
Tony for goodness sake just go and buy a twin lens Rollei with planar lens and start taking real photos again !!
December 12th, 2009 at 12:25
My perfect camera is embedded in my head – just between my eyes. It never leaves me and is always ready. It only records the ‘wow’ stuff I see about every 5 minutes – and it records it in the way that I SEE IT. No camera bag, lens changing, updating ,batteries or worries about sensor. It knows. And all I have to do is spend an hour in a gallery, or read some poetry, or be ‘caught’ in NW light and it’s bursting to go. And I’ll never trade it in on the new version. That is….
Until they come out with the deluxe model that will record those fantastic images that float through my vision when I’m dreaming just before I wake. Way way way better than any p-shop stuff!
December 12th, 2009 at 12:30
A camera is just a tool to record an image which you the photographer had seen in your mind eye. It does not have to be the latest whizbang with zoom lenses to 24 factor, with the Zeiss lenses and a very large megapixel count.
A friend of mine, (now 90) was a professional photographer in Auckland, was the President of the Association in 1957, did incredible bridal portraits unequalled in Auckland, and when he sold his business still had the wooden Century Studio Camera which was a collector’s item, and a enlarger that he consigned to the tip. He used no fancy modern equipment to make his incredible images.
Sometimes photographers buy new equipment with the hope that it will make them a better photographer, I’m sorry to disappoint you, it won’t. However sometimes it makes it easier for an excellent photographer to work.
It will leave each one of you individually to work out what category you fall into with regards to the above paragraph.
December 12th, 2009 at 13:29
Curious you should mention that, Don…. I have been looking at this….It worked for Ans Westra…
But I can’t detect Honours Detection….
http://www.mainlinephoto.com.au/prod394.htm
December 12th, 2009 at 13:32
And what sort of P-shop are we talking about, MJ? one of those ones in High Street which stay open all hours?